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A.W. Tozer once wrote, "It's not that we don't want God, we do; we just want other things more." When I look at the condition of the world today, I find it hard to believe that even the first part of that statement is true. It seems to me that the god that most people want is actually not God at all. We want a god, but a god we can control. We want love, but we want it on our terms, not His. We want to know only the parts of God that make sense to us, not trusting that it all makes sense to Him. God called Jeremiah to speak to His people, to bring the truth of His word to many who did not want to hear from Him at all. A discouraged Jeremiah said, To whom can I speak and give warning? Who will listen to me? Their ears are closed so they cannot hear. The word of the Lord is offensive to them; they find no pleasure in it. Jeremiah 6:10 NIV Not much has changed. Unfortunately, God's word remains offensive in the public square. It's actually called hate speech. I for one used to be very offended by it. Why? It's upside down to everything I was groomed to believe. I used to believe that love was about fairytales and feelings. I mean, it does usually begin in a similar way; God is the one who created hormones you know. But remember, flip it upside down. Love is not based on feelings at all, it's actually a choice. So when things don't feel good or even look good, true love grows stronger, not weaker. Think about it, people are not exactly lovable, yet God chose to love and Jesus chose to die for that love. I also used to believe that everyone would go to heaven. I didn't think thieves or murderers or anyone like that; but most everyone else, you know, the good people. Well, again flip it upside down. If a thief, for instance, like the thief on the cross next to Jesus, was to turn his heart over to Him, he'd be with Him in paradise. So what about the good person? Well, he'd have to do the same. It's not his goodness that gets him to heaven, it's Jesus. After all, if heaven was based on goodness, what's the measure? Now, fast forward, as a follower of Jesus what stupefies me the most is the offensiveness of God's word in the church. How in the world can God's word be offensive there? Why would the church of all places choose to forgo large parts of what God says? Paul warned Timothy—Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 2 Timothy 4:3-4 NIV Has the church adopted the same doctrine as the public square; that God's love is fickle and superficial? Have pulpits been given over to itching ears? Have they taken on the false belief that they must be attractive in order to save people, as if it's their responsibility to do so? Sometimes I feel like we are in an old commercial ad that promotes peace and love for all, no matter the cost, even to themselves. But God does not take kindly to dressing the wound of His people as though it were not serious. Saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ when there is no peace (Jeremiah 6:14, 8:10). Can a shepherd shepherd his flock without declaring the whole counsel of God? Now yes, there is a time to preach peace, but there is also a time to preach what God is against, what we need to pay attention to, and what we need to turn from. Is there any better time than now? I wonder how anyone who calls themselves a follower of Christ can at the same time stand for what God is against and stay silent on issues that God would have us raise our voice. How can anyone truly see themselves if not from the eyes of their Savior? And how can they turn away from sin without first knowing they are sinners? Is there a so-called silent majority and are the pulpits part of it? I personally don't believe there is a silent majority, otherwise our world would look very different. Have we truly become the apathetic (Laodicean) church? Is there room for revival? [Jesus speaking] To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. Revelation 3:14-20 NIV (emphasis mine) I pray that pulpits turn from apathy and begin again to look very different from the world, declaring along with Paul, "Therefore I testify to you this day that I am innocent of the blood of all, for I did not shrink from declaring to you the whole counsel of God." Acts 20:26-27 ESV As for the rest of us, may we receive His perfect love, be earnest and repent, and open the door for crying out loud! Pastors may be accountable to God for their calling, but we will not be able to stand before Jesus and blame them for our own apathy. God says, "In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. Jeremiah 29:12-14a NLT Will you?

Purpose is something we spend a lot of time seeking. I ask myself on a regular basis, "What is my purpose?" Or, "Why am I even here?" How about you, do you find yourself asking the same questions? I believe we have a need to know that our lives make a difference somehow. But if we're not careful we just might find ourselves looking for purpose in all the wrong places. I've said this before, I spent much of my life chasing the wind. It's funny how we humans do that. We want justice, but who's? Equality is now equity, but who exactly decides that? And if we get to decide who's life is worth living (or not), then we must be the ones who decide if that life has purpose, right? There is a deep mourning in our country that many of us are experiencing, especially in the light of current events. But we know it goes much deeper than that. Jeremiah, who was called the weeping prophet, knew such mourning. The nation was deteriorating economically, politically and spiritually. Sacrificing children became a common practice. And God's word was considered offensive. (Sounds a bit familiar) Yet God called Jeremiah to go and speak His word to the people; most of whom did not want to hear what God had to say at all. God knew that the confidence and great strength Jeremiah needed to run this race would come from the most important part of who he is— The word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:4-5 NIV Life and Purpose come from God Himself. Jeremiah had both; and so do we. I can't create life, nor can I create purpose; not one that matters much anyway. This is what God wanted for Jeremiah (and us) to know, that is, I formed you on purpose, for a purpose. God knows us before we are even conceived; and He calls each of us before we are born. He has purpose for every life. The debate about life is not a choice issue, but a God issue. The fact of the matter is, whether anyone believes it or not, God alone is the author of life, not man. Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles. Romans 1:22-23 NLT Without a Creator, life happens by chance. We've replaced God with self. Purpose is impossible without life, life is meaningless without purpose, and without God, well. . . . as I often say, take a look outside. It's time, Christian, to pull our heads out of the sand. We've allowed God to be taken out of just about everything; locked behind church doors. And even in there He can be barely recognizable to who He is. It's no wonder there is little value for human life, never mind a desire to know purpose. Let's not let another generation grow numb to the truth. Jeremiah's response to God was, “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!” (vs 6) Jeremiah, like Moses, was focused on his own limitations. Can you relate? I surely can. Every time I sit down to write I'm reminded of mine. I must ask God a hundred times a week if this is really what He has called me to do. It's funny, I just finished a series and literally said out loud that it's probably my last. My mind was blank and I had no idea of where to go next. Sometimes I wonder if God has a joyful laugh as He leads us to redirect our focus. You see, I'm in this book of Jeremiah in a reading plan I follow and God's next statement to him leaped off the page— The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” (vs7-8 emphasis mine) So if you have been asking, like me, what is my purpose, please hear God when He says that He formed you before He knew you and He set you apart for His purpose. And I can guarantee you that you are not in this century, in this decade by chance. "From one man he made every nation of man, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being.' " Acts 17:26-28 NIV I would venture to say that most generations claim those verses as theirs, but I say our generation just might need them the most. If you have breath, you have purpose. Don't listen to the lies that tell you otherwise; and more importantly, give attention to His words; incline your ear to His sayings; do not let them depart from your eyes; and keep them in the midst of your heart (Proverbs 4:20-21); for they are your very life and they hold your purpose within them! We may not be prophets as Jeremiah, but each of us has been created with a purpose for His Glory. Are you willing to let God use you as His vessel? For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began. Psalm 139:13-16 HCSB

As the new year began and I started to put my thoughts together, it proved to be quite difficult to make sense of them. I hadn't slept in days, well, years. As the exhaustion is taking over physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually my soul becomes weary. Over the past couple of months, I have been asking God to teach me how to trust Him more deeply; especially in this long dark season for both myself and my family. For me, when I'm in pain, it becomes difficult to keep my eyes on Jesus. Some days it takes every bit of my ability to seek His presence. I can tend to distract myself with mindless TV, just so I don't have to think or feel or even be. I know deep in my soul that God is right here in the pain with me, yet many times I allow the pain to drown out His voice. Knowing if I could just reach deep inside, I'd see Him extending His Hand and opening His Arms for me to rest in. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. You see, my mind deceives me. I begin to think things like, "You're God, You can do anything, but You choose to leave me here all by myself." But Today… Today, God reminds me that, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed (Psalm 34:18) Today, a quote from a wise writer of old, Oswald Chambers, encourages me, "You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing." Today, Jesus reminds me that, "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26) In the genesis of a new year, I have asked God to help me to build my confidence in Him and to teach me to trust in Him more deeply. The first lesson I've learned is that when pain makes it hard to feel God's presence, we must hold fast to what He says. He speaks to us in many ways. He never changes. And neither does His Word.  It is alive and breathing and His power is in it. Oh, if I could just learn to live in His truth every minute of every day. And still more, today, I am challenged by Oswald Chambers, "If we could see the floor of God's immediate presence, we would find it strewn with the 'toys' of God's children who have said, 'This is broken, I can't play with it anymore, please give me another present.' Only one in a thousand sits down in the midst of it all and says, 'I will watch my Father mend this.'" May I be that one! "O Lord, I give my life to you…show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you." (Psalm 25:1,4-5)

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I feel like I haven’t had much to say. Here in the valley, I fight fear and loneliness. As I am writing this my first thought is Jesus is with me and so are the people who love me. But in the middle of eight years of chronic illness and insomnia, countless doctors without answers, and feeling like a prisoner in my own body who is many times chained to my house, the battle is real and some days I lose miserably. And in this valley, in the middle of these eight years, I saw firsthand what disease can do. I walked alongside my friend watching as cancer first claimed her body, then her life. As I saw her take her last breath and imagined her slipping into the arms of Jesus where she is whole and free of the disease that tormented her, my emotions spread far and wide. I had relief and joy for her, but a deep numbing sadness filled me, and a new fear began. A lingering fear that took root a tiny bit each week while sitting in a chemo unit. A fear I stuffed and ignored. Fear, a thorn I can’t seem to escape. As my health declines, I’m finding it more difficult to focus my eyes on God. I fight old feelings of abandonment that cause me to question my faith. These days I feel more faithless than faithful. I know the truth. I know that God has never left me, but my heart wrestles. I know that in the struggle, God is bringing me into a deeper relationship with Him, a new level of knowing Him and trusting Him and leaning on Him, but my heart wrestles. I know that my life struggles expose my secondary desires for healing, for haunting memories to fade, for courage to trample fear, but still my heart wrestles. It wrestles because I also know that my core desire is for God and my pain stems from the wrestle in my heart. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 1 John 4:18 God is perfect. God is love. And there is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear. And the one who fears (me) is not perfected in love. But God says, I have this love, this perfect love. But the valley of fear and loneliness expose my doubt and unbelief. And doubt and unbelief expose my fear and my fear exposes the lesser desires I seek instead of seeking the God who loves me with a perfect love. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33 So today, while still in the valley, a friend suggested I look back and remember the times I’ve seen the Hand of God on me. As I write them down and read aloud, I pray they help me gain new hope to fly high on wings like eagles. And maybe, just maybe, He’ll send a gentle wind to help me fly right out of this place! In the meantime, as hard of a prayer as this is to pray, I want to learn all there is to learn here. How sad it would be for this time to be wasted on only fleshly desires. “He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn’t live in man-made temples, and human hands can’t serve his needs—for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfies every need.  From one man he created all the nations throughout the whole earth. He decided beforehand when they should rise and fall, and he determined their boundaries. For in him we live and move and exist. As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ Acts 17:24-26,28 Are you in your own valley today? I pray encouragement finds you there and remembering the Hand of God on your life helps you to fly. Father, I’ve asked many times for healing and deliverance from this valley. And my flesh believes that that is my deepest desire. But my spirit knows that my deepest desire is You. You put that desire in all of us. Help us to know, especially in and through the valleys of life, that Your love is real no matter what our eyes may see. We can’t do it without you. Please help our unbelief.

John, in his Gospel, emphasizes the seven I AM statements of Jesus. His sixth; "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 NIV Our lives are but a blip compared to eternity; yet for some reason we believe that this is all there is. But it's not, it's a blip, and it's fleeting. Jesus is preparing a place for those who belong to Him. When it's ready—and when we’re ready—He's coming to get us. See my last post, I AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE, John 14:1-7 https://www.jenarainonesmith.com/post/i-am-the-way-the-truth-and-the-life Jesus is the Bread of Life. The Light of the World. The Gate and The Good Shepherd. The Resurrection and the Life. The Way, the Truth, and the Life. He is the True Vine. After the Passover meal (the Last Supper), Jesus and the disciples would head toward a garden called Gethsemane. Walking through vineyards, He continued to teach them using what He often did, real life examples. This is the seventh and final I AM statement Jesus makes in the book of John: “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. 5 “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. John 15:1-5 NKJV This would have been familiar to them, but today, the illustration could easily escape us, so let's dig in a little. The vinedresser/gardener plants the shoot that grows into a vine. God as vinedresser provided the shoot; the Father sent the Son. The vine puts forth branches, nourishes them and produces fruit. The branch does not produce the fruit, it can't, the vine does and the branch is connected to the vine. Jesus is the true vine. We, His beloved, are the branches. True life flows through the Vine. True life, what does that mean? Take a look around. The ramifications of trying to do life apart from the vine are pretty clear. Stress, anxiety, and depression are everywhere. Anger is palatable. Division tangible. Hopelessness is an epidemic. Corruption is, well, obvious. Jesus is telling us that we need to stay connected to Him in order to have life. It's easy to look in the mirror and see outward changes, but inward, now that can be a bit trickier. Jesus describes two kinds of branches here. The first is not bearing fruit. Perhaps it's too heavy, dipping below the sunlight or maybe weightiness interrupted the flow of nutrients. Whatever the case, the gardener cares for the branch, lifts it up, in order that it bear fruit. The second branch is a fruit bearing branch. It also needs the gardener's care; pruning will help it bear more fruit. The process often leaves the branch looking sparse, even sick, but the gardener knows best. These branches represent us at any given time. I've been right here for more than ten years. Sometimes weighed down and heavy, exhausted without sleep. There are times it can be quite overwhelming and rather difficult for me to do anything at all. I‘ve come to know (usually when I'm finished pouting) that it's my Father's hand that lifts me up and sets me in the Son so I bear His fruit. Other times, His hand prunes me. He trims off those ugly parts, leaving room for more fruit. Oh, the pruning process—none of us like it. Personally, there are times I cry out, "Lord, please, it's too much!" It's painful, but again I've come to realize that it's necessary for growth. It's difficult, yes, but in this long season I often hear my Father's voice saying, "Just wait and see what's coming; it's beyond what you can imagine." I've seen Him do things in and through me that I know could not have happened any other way. We have Firebushes in the front of our house. They have green leaves and little orange flowers. Now I know orange is probably not a big deal to most, but to me it's huge since all we ever see is GREEN, GREEN, GREEN! Anyway, I digress. The bushes have a tendency to grow thick and unruly so periodically my husband will prune them. I still remember the first time, it was shocking. I thought he killed them! However, over time, as the gardener intended, they grew up instead of out; tall and fruit bearing, able to provide nectar for butterflies and hummingbirds. And the best part for me? Much more beautiful orange-ness in my front yard! That is the beauty of the pruning process! God is looking for the same in us. He loves us too much to leave us heavy and weighed down or stagnant and dull. He does all the work. Our job is to simply abide in Him. You'll be amazed at the fruit He hangs from your branch. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. And Self Control. We already have the fruit, but we don't always bear it well. Without Him, we can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. 7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. 8 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples. John 15:6-8 NKJV There is a third branch that Jesus mentions. One that looks like the others, but in fact is not like them at all. These branches appear to be attached to the vine, however, it's just an illusion. They are lifeless. Jesus said, “I know all the things you do, and that you have a reputation for being alive—but you are dead" (Rev 3:1). Only those truly connected to the vine can draw life. The gardener gathers these branches and discards them. Essentially Jesus is saying that the appearance of faith does not save, only He saves. “Not everyone who says to Me,‘ Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’ Matthew 7:21-23 NKJV To abide means to make your home in—complete dependence—an inseparable connection. Ask, Jesus says, and it will be done for you. The authentic branch, connected to the true Vine, is in agreement with the will of the Father and this glorifies Him beyond measure. Jesus is the Vine; God is the Gardener; and His beloved is the branch— Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 2 Corinthians 13:5

John, in his Gospel, emphasizes the seven I AM statements of Jesus. The fifth, “I am the resurrection and the life. . . ." John 11:25-26 NIV Jesus' friends were in need. John tells us that Jesus loved them so He waited to go to them. I've read this dozens of times, but this time, the word so jumped off the page. I never saw it before. Oh how one little word can change everything. Jesus deliberately waited. Let me tell you, for a girl who suffers with chronic insomnia, and who's prayed hundreds of times to fall asleep, this little word breathes new life into me and I hope it does you too. We know that Jesus is never aloof, so why did He wait? See my last post, I AM THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE, John 11:1-42 https://www.jenarainonesmith.com/post/i-am-the-resurrection-and-the-life Jesus' next I AM statement comes off the heels of what He knew would be His last meal with His disciples (John 13). There was much for Him to say. Isn't there just something about being around a table together that brings out our most cherished, important and intimate conversations? This meal, though, went far beyond just words. Jesus would model true humility by washing His disciples feet. It seems like a strange thing to do doesn't it? Not really, not for back then. As far as feet go, in those days, the combination of sandals and dusty roads were a recipe for dirty (smelly) feet. Furthermore, from a heart perspective, beginning with the dawn of time, until this very day, true humility is extremely rare and does not come naturally to mankind. How many of us actually practice humility? It's a humbling question isn't it? It is for me. I mean let's be real, the human heart is not exactly a breeding ground for humility. If we're honest, we'd have to admit that the one we think about the most is ourselves; far more than we think about anyone else. When Jesus was finished washing their feet, He said, “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet." (vs13:14). “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." (vs34). It's a divine kind of love; a self-sacrificing one. Truthfully, it can only come from Jesus in you to another. But, imagine it for a moment. This is what God intended, but sin, instead, got in the way. I'm not even sure we can fully grasp what Jesus was saying. Considering what they were about to hear, He knew it would take full surrender to Him and a humbled heart to be able to move forward. Jesus told them many more things they did not understand. "One of you will betray Me. "Another (all of you really) will deny Me." And "I am going away, and you can not come with me." I'm sure they were freaking out on the inside! [Jesus continued], "Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me." John 14:1 NKJV Have you ever felt like you were drowning in your circumstances? It's incredibly difficult when we don't understand what God is doing in our lives. I was recently reminded of a painful time for me. Be it 30 years ago, the feelings of desperation and defeat came flooding back as I remembered trying to find something, anything to fix the broken places inside of me. My first thought, "I wish I knew Jesus back then." But, the reality is, I wanted nothing to do with Him. Yet this particular reminder awakened memories of His pursuit; God never stopped pursuing me. He wasted nothing, including my dumb decisions. He used every last one of them to reveal His Son to me, to draw me to Himself, and to equip me for His purpose. God has given each of us a purpose and provided everything we need to accomplish His will (Heb 13:21). I believe He uses every circumstance as a training ground for what He has planned for us to do; here, and into eternity. Oh that we would seek Him and surrender to His leading. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:2-4 NIV Solomon, who had all the riches and wisdom the world had to offer, said that it was all meaningless—like chasing the wind. Have you ever felt like you were chasing the wind? I have, and haven't we all tried in one form or another to use it to fill ourselves? Our lives are but a blip compared to eternity; yet for some reason we believe that this is all there is. But it's not, it's a blip, and it's fleeting. Jesus is preparing a place for those who belong to Him. When it's ready—and when we’re ready—He's coming back to get us. Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” John 14:2-5 NIV Now, here comes one of those radical statements of Jesus— Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” John 14:6-7 NIV Adam's sin brought death, but God provides grace and forgiveness to many through Jesus Christ (Rom 5:15). Jesus came to do the work of the Father (Luke 2:49). He came to seek and save the lost (Luke 19:10). For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV Yes, it's completely a gift, but there is a catch. You must first know you're a sinner in need of a Savior, in order for the Savior to become your Savior. On our own, there is no way to make ourselves right with God. But God promises to bring righteousness to us in Christ. This is amazing grace! ". . . . and I will place salvation in Zion. . . ." (Isaiah 46:13) Jesus is the Bread of Life. The Light of the World. The Gate and The Good Shepherd. The Resurrection and the Life. The Way, the Truth, and the Life. He came to ransom you. He offers life in the place of death; then, now, and into eternity. I will close by asking you to consider what eternity would look like without the mercy of God who sent His Son to die for you. God made a way to Him; and so the question remains, "Do you believe this?" (Stay tuned for Jesus' last of the seven I AM statements, "I am the vine")

I have sat for days funneling through my thoughts and feelings in the wake of such sadness and confusion, trying to make some sense out of all that has happened over the last few months. I remember not so long ago watching images from Italy of sickness and death and reports that this is a picture of what's to come. It was hard to not let fear set in as we heard about a shortage of hospital beds and ventilators. In what seemed like a blink of an eye, our country was shut down and lock downs began. Suddenly our speech became about the number of cases, death tolls, flattening curves, job loss, unemployment and small business closures. Hurting people everywhere fighting not to lose hope, yet honoring those willing to risk their lives to help the hurting. Our world seemed to be unified for a minute. A minute... Then that moment. The moment that sparked violence and destruction across our country. Our speech turned to injustice, division, murder, and racism. As I write through tears, it's hard to find the words to describe the pain I feel in my heart. As I watch the world turn upside down in sadness and destruction, I find myself on the road to Emmaus. In the Gospel of Luke chapter 24, Luke tells us about this day. Three days after the crucifixion, two of Jesus' followers were walking on the road to Emmaus. As they walked, they talked through sadness about all that had happened. So as it was, while they conversed and reasoned, that Jesus Himself drew near and went with them. (vs15 NKJV) I love that. Jesus was already with them, and in their sadness and confusion, He drew near. Scripture tells us their eyes were restrained. They didn't recognize Him. They had previously followed him but now they were blinded to who He was. They felt hopeless in their circumstances and what seemed senseless and tragic in their eyes. On the road to Emmaus, Jesus took a seven mile walk with two guys. Two guys who were sad and confused. They felt hopeless; He drew near. They were confused; He carefully unveiled revelations of Himself through Scripture. Jesus walked with them. He listened. He cared. He shared. But most importantly, He offered Himself. In their time together, Jesus had reminded them of what they already knew. Grief and fear and shattered dreams had blinded them to the truth. As they shared a meal, Jesus blessed and broke bread with them, opening their eyes. Hope was alive. Their response was tangible— “Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?"(vs32 NKJV). Even when they didn't know it was Jesus, He consumed their hearts. They ran back to Jerusalem, found the eleven disciples, and told them all that they saw. Jesus Himself was suddenly standing among them, "Peace be with you." (vs36 NLT) And He opened their understanding, reminding them of who He was and why He came. Father, Today we need to be reminded that you are in control. Bring unity as only You can. Consume our hearts. Draw near to us as we draw near to You. Give us Your eyes to see through the brokenness around us. Remind us of Your love and who You are. Bind up the brokenhearted. Reveal our hearts so we turn from our wicked ways. Help us to embrace each other. May we stand firm against injustice and stand up for righteousness and justice for all in You. Help us stand against division. Give us compassion. Make us question askers and intentional about getting to know each other as we honor the beauty in our differences. We welcome You in this place, In Jesus Name, Amen.

"if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14 Understandably, in the middle of 2020, this verse has been quoted over and over again. Here's my question, "Is this a guarantee to all lands or was it a direct promise for Israel? Do you think God's objective was to heal the land, or was it to reach the people?" I believe the entire Bible to be the inherent Word of God. However, I also believe that there were directives and commands meant specifically for Israel. God seems to be making a conditional corporate promise. Throughout the Old Testament, God is teaching and molding the Israelites to follow Him, depend on Him, and especially to trust Him. Paul contrasts, in the book of Galatians, God's law and God's promises, ....for the Scriptures say, "Cursed is everyone who does not observe and obey ALL the commands that are written in God's book of the Law" (3:10, emphasis mine) Why, then, was the law given? It was given alongside the promise to show people their sins. But the law was designed to last only until the coming of the child who was promised. God gave his law through angels to Moses, who was the mediator between God and the people. Now a mediator is helpful if more than one party must reach an agreement. But God, who is one, did not use a mediator when he gave his promise to Abraham. Is there a conflict, then, between God’s law and God’s promises? Absolutely not! If the law could give us new life, we could be made right with God by obeying it. But the Scriptures declare that we are all prisoners of sin, so we receive God’s promise of freedom only by believing in Jesus Christ (3:19-22). We do not live under the Law. The Law was designed to be followed perfectly and there was only One who could do that. So if this is a direct conditional promise to Israel, how does 2 Chronicles 7:14 apply to America? I'm not sure, but I believe it does apply to the Christian. I think we should pray this prayer and follow its directive; it is woven throughout the whole Bible. But what if we do exactly as it says and God does not heal our land? What if He leaves it broken?  Would that mean we didn't pray enough, or long enough, or seek Him hard enough? Did we not turn quickly enough?  God says, "My ways are higher than your ways." The fact is, as you read this, the church around the world is being persecuted, and yet the Gospel is spreading like wildfire. Even though God told Israel that if they did this He would heal their land, I believe it was always more about the people than the land. So, let's personalize the principle. God is asking the Christian to humble himself, to pray, to seek Him, and turn from sin. He is promising that if we do, He will hear from heaven, forgive our sin, and heal our land. But could that land be the land under your feet? Is He promising to heal our nation or is He promising to heal you, and then use you, no matter the circumstances around you, as His ambassador to a lost and broken land? The truth is, Jesus didn't spend His time healing the land, or praying for the overthrow of Cesar and the Roman government. He didn't pray for the religious hypocrites to be ousted from the Temple. His focus was on His Father and people. He spent His time teaching about the Kingdom of God, pouring into the twelve, and especially the three. But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, “How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!” Romans 10:14-15 I really do pray that God heals our land, I'm just not sure His promises apply to the nation as much as they do the person. But what I do believe is He promises that if you seek Him with all of your heart, you will find Him, and in finding Him, He will heal your land. God uses broken vessels. To be perfectly honest with you, this challenges me. I don't like being broken. (That actually sounds funny to me because chronic illness makes me feel broken most of the time.) But if there's one thing I've learned through suffering, it's that God loves to fill broken and emptied vessels with Himself. Will you do it? Will you humble yourself, pray, seek His face and turn from your wicked ways and see what God does? May He bless you, and keep you, make His face shine upon you and give you peace; especially in this extremely difficult year on earth.

Chaos. It's ALL around us. I believe it's partly because we ALL have an opinion about everything. I also believe that we are ALL worshiping something, because we were ALL created to worship. So the question is not, are you worshiping? The question is, what are you worshiping? And is that worship temporary or eternal? The willingness to fight for the worshiped usually depends on the understanding and commitment to that which is being worshiped. Some people are very passionate about their cause. Others use the platform to force agendas. And still others know little of what the fight is actually about, but fight still the same. They seem to be willing to give up everything. While I see this as noble in some cases, I see it as destructive in others. The desire to stand for something is a thread woven into each of us by our Creator, but is tainted by sin. At the genesis of creation, we've made a decision to be our own god. From the Garden, to the Tower, to the Cross, and all the way to today. In the book of Acts, Paul is speaking to the leaders of Athens, "For as I walk through the city....I even found an inscription on one altar that read, 'To the Unknown God.' I have come to introduce you to this God whom you worship without even knowing anything about him. The true God is the Creator of all things.... He supplies life and breath and all things to every living being.... From one man, Adam, he made every man and woman and every race of humanity, and he spread us all over the earth. He sets the boundaries of people and nations, determining their appointed times in history. He has done this so that every person would long for God, feel their way to him--for he is the God who is easy to discover. It is through him that we live and function and have our identity....'Our lineage comes from Him.'"  (Acts 17:23-28) And from Him comes the One in whom He would save the world; the One the Father had given authority over everything. The One who loved His disciples to the very end; who took off His robe, wrapped a towel around His waist, poured water in a basin and washed man's dirty, smelly feet. Read the last sentence again with this thought in mind--this applied also to the disciple He knew would later betray him. What?! Jesus had His eyes, not on Himself, but on His love for the Father and His love for His creation. The God of the Universe, incarnate, washed sin filled feet! The feet, scripture says, of those He loved to the very end. Jesus said, "So if I'm your teacher and lord and have just washed your dirty feet, then you should follow the example that I've set for you and wash one another's dirty feet. Now do for each other what I have done for you." (John 13:14-15) Why? To lead us. To love us. And to teach us how to love others. As Acts 17:27 says above, "He has done this so that every person would long for God, feel their way to him" That's the agenda. It was never meant to be a 'me' agenda. His agenda is to stand for, to fight for, to live for and to die for.  Fighting from this lens doesn't take away from the importance of the agenda, it just changes the focus. And changing the focus, changes everything. For us, it's upside down thinking. How do we do it? How do we take our eyes off ourselves and off our demanding agendas? How do we love each other like that? Because if we can't love each other, how in the world can we love those who are hurting? Jesus said to abide in Him, because apart from Him we can do nothing. For me, this is a minute by minute process. I can't love like that, but if I keep my eyes on Him, maybe He can love through me. We will always make mistakes and find ourselves in need of forgiveness; and many times we will have to be the forgiver. But true worship is following in Jesus's footsteps. How can they hear the message of life if there is no one there to proclaim it? God determined our appointed time in history.... for such a time as this. I want to be a foot washer. How about you? Jesus lead the way. Break our hearts for what breaks yours. This, I believe, is the only remedy to the chaos in the world.

These are words I never thought I'd be writing, "in the middle of a pandemic"— We are on week ten of uncharted territory. One day I'm in the hair salon, and the next I'm in lock down! While everything around us screams "be anxious," God commands us to "Be anxious for nothing. Fear not. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Don't worry." Hmm? Pandemic and don't worry. Seems like an oxymoron. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I find myself walking around saying out loud, "We are in the middle of a pandemic! A pandemic! This is so weird!" If you've read any of my past writing, you know my default is fear, especially in the unknown. It's been a lifelong journey and it keeps me at the feet of Jesus. And this? This is a whole new level of unknown. Hindsight 2020 for me, at least so far, is  an 'invitation'. God seems to be inviting me to something. I keep hearing this word over and over again. "I believe that every command of God is an invitation," says my husband as we talk through what life may look like going forward. I wrote that in my journal as I wrestled through feelings of helplessness and fear. And times of hopelessness and even shame, in what seems like a lack of faith in my heart. So I asked God, "What is it that You are inviting me to in this season of uneasiness?" I sensed Him saying, "Be still and wait." (Definitely not easy for me) I read, "When God announces judgment, it is almost always an invitation to repent and receive mercy." And I heard, "When Paul says, "Be anxious for nothing" in Philippians 4:5-9, he first reminds us that the Lord is near. These verses are meant to comfort us. They are not designed to make you feel bad. They're designed to make you feel better by giving you alternatives to worry and anxiety. The invitation is to God comforting you as He offers two promises; the first, His peace will guide you, the second, His peace will guard you." And today it was said,  "In Mark 8, Jesus asks His disciples, Is your heart still hardened? Having eyes, do you not see? Having ears, do you not hear? Do you not remember?...How is it you do not understand? This was a strong and kind invitation." God reminded me when the disciples were in a storm and Jesus was sleeping, they asked Him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" Then, He arose and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace, be still!" And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. And He said to them, "Why are you so fearful?" (Mark 4:38-40 emphasis mine) Peace, be still. I want to relax in the arms of the God who created me, and He who formed me; even when it doesn't make sense. I will trust You in the storm as You rebuke the wind and silence the sea. I accept Your invitation to transform me as You renew my mind. My prayer is that I come out of the pandemic saying, and believing, the words penned by Jeremiah "Your words were found and I ate them and your words became my joy and the delight of my heart; For I am called by your name, O Lord God Almighty." (15:16) What is God inviting you to?

The Bible says, “The truth is the Good News. When you heard the truth, you put your trust in Christ. Then God marked you by giving you His Holy Spirit as a promise (Ephesians 1:13 NLV). God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.” (Ephesians 2:8-9 NLT) The Bible also says, “…. continue to work out your salvation….” (Philippians 2:12 AMP) Huh? Does Paul (or God) contradict himself? Do we have to work…or not? And if we do, how much, and what does that look like? Unfortunately, when we hear the word work, we usually jump into action.  By nature, it only makes sense that we must do something to receive something. And by culture, we live in a “busy all the time” society. So, when it comes to God and salvation, it would only make sense that the more we do the better. We go to church, we volunteer, and attend Bible study. We do ministry, outreach, feed the homeless, and help the poor. We study the bible and try to accomplish every directive perfectly, helping others do the same, striving to save souls. All while juggling to be good Christians, spouses, parents, and friends. Now, collectively and in and of themselves these things are good, but is that what Paul meant by work? Let’s read the rest of Philippians 2:12-13 from the Amplified Bible …. Continue to work out your salvation [that is, cultivate it, bring it to full effect, actively pursue spiritual maturity] with awe-inspired fear and trembling [using serious caution and critical self-evaluation to avoid anything that might offend God or discredit the name of Christ]. 13 For it is [not your strength, but it is] God who is effectively at work in you, both to will and to work [that is, strengthening, energizing, and creating in you the longing and the ability to fulfill your purpose] for His good pleasure.” So, as I understand this, my “work” is to cultivate my faith by actively pursuing God. I am to take a good look inside and be transparent with Him and myself, all while keeping my eyes on Jesus. Allowing Him to work in and through me as He gives me the ability to fulfill my purpose; for His good pleasure, which glorifies God. As I’ve shared in my last post, I have been on the journey of a lifetime visiting altars. It’s interesting that just the word journey commands my attention because I’ve always struggled with the journey.  Usually, it’s the goal I seek and the journey is just a means to an end. I’m sure fear has a lot to do with it. It’s like I have blinders on each side of my head blocking my eyes from seeing anything in my peripheral vision, only focusing forward on the result. But God is more interested in the journey, because that is where He teaches and molds and accomplishes His goal in me and my desired end is of little concern. My part of “working out my salvation” is to give up control and trust Him. Journey. Visiting altars. Giving up control. Working out my salvation. All words and phrases that make me uneasy. But God—that’s the phrase that must give me the ease I need to keep moving forward. As I learn to loosen my grip, open my eyes (even just a little) and pay attention, I’m beginning to see God’s beauty in the dips and turns. Pain can turn to beauty in God’s hands. We’ve established that we are saved by grace and that salvation is not a reward for good deeds. We’ve also established that it is up to each of us to “work out our own salvation.” Stay tuned as I flesh out what that looks like for me. Until next time, let's pray… Father, for those of us who struggle with enjoying the journey, help us to make a conscious effort by trusting You. And when we try to put those blinders back on and plow forward, give us a panoramic view of all that You would have us see; for our good and Your glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.

“Blessed is she who has believed that what the LORD has said to her will be accomplished!” Luke 1:45 Oswald Chambers writes, “What was true of the Virgin Mary in the history of the Son of God’s birth on earth is true of every saint. God’s son is born into me through the direct act of God.” Stop and digest that for a moment— Okay, let’s continue by looking at the circle of life. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and everything on the earth. From the earth, He birthed man and breathed life into him. He then took woman out of man and going forth every man out of woman. Man (and woman), living in the perfect Garden, exercised free will and chose self over God, the created over the Creator.  So, sin abounds, bringing death. At the right time, through the direct act of God, His Son was placed into Mary, a willing vessel, to be birthed the Savior of the world. He lived as Adam was meant to live, perfect and sinless. He went on to die as the perfect sacrifice, and rose to life, defeating death.  So, Grace abounds more, bringing life. And coming to her, the angel said, “Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you.” “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God” (Luke 1:28,30). The angel proceeds in telling her that she will conceive of the Holy Spirit and birth a Son who will be called the Son of God. Wow! When I think of what Mary was asked to do! She was a young girl, a religious girl, who knew what it meant in her culture to be an unwed pregnant girl. She could have very well been stoned to death. And yet, she still said yes. She chose to trust God with what seemed impossible. Think about it, God chose Mary to do something amazing; to birth the Savior of the world! What?! He chose her, but she had to choose Him back. Jesus had to be born, so if Mary did not say yes, God would have chosen someone else. Now I know that many would say that if God knows everything, then He already knew Mary’s choice. And although that’s true, she was not a robot. That’s the beauty of free will. He is all knowing, yet He loved her enough to allow her to choose. As I’ve stated in the past, I believe that “love, to be true, requires a choice.” I guess maybe one day, while laying at His feet in heaven, I will ask Him to explain to me how He can know, but also choose not to know at the same time, thereby allowing free will. But then again, at that point, I probably won’t care. “Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?” Job 11:7 We should also consider this, God knew Mary would say yes, but she didn’t know she would. Now let’s move to the other “direct act of God” referenced above. God’s son is born into me, the believer. He lives in me, the direct act of God. This is the way God chose to live among us; changing His broken world with willing vessels. I believe, with all my heart that Jesus is who He says He is, yet I have struggled with fear for most of my life. And at this point, I’m not even sure why. I love Jesus. I know He loves me. And I know He’ll never leave me. It is Him who gives me breath. What Mary did for God was beyond amazing, but Mary was just a girl who said yes. I want to be a girl who says yes. So, I’m on a quest to visit altars. The altars along my journey where God has revealed His strength in me. The places where we conquered fear together; me and Jesus. It’s proving to be a bit longer of a process than I would have liked, but I kind of knew it would be. Anytime we’re willing to let God dig deep inside, it’s bound to hurt. It’s hard, but worth the climb. The more we dig together, I’m able to see less of me and more of Him. “Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him….” Job 13:15 It is so important that we know His promises. We can’t claim what we don’t know. I’m grateful that He’s revealed many to me along the way. A couple come to mind.... Isaiah 54:11 “O you afflicted one, Tossed with tempest, and not comforted, Behold, I will lay stones with colorful gems, And lay your foundations with sapphires.” And Revelation 3:11, “I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.” Are you willing to let God have His way with you? What will you do to ready yourself for those moments when He asks something of you? Be it small, or dare we even think it may be what looks like the impossible, but is actually a miraculous and direct act of God in you, and through you. Father, please give us the strength and especially the courage to follow You on this journey called life. For those of us who struggle with fear, help us to shatter it and replace it with faith. And may we live from a place of blessing, as we believe that what the LORD has said to us will be accomplished. In Jesus Name, Amen.

John, in his Gospel, emphasizes the seven I AM statements of Jesus. His fourth, "I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd lays down His life for the sheep." John 10:11 NIV Jesus is a relational, personal Shepherd. He invites each of us into relationship with Him. I am so glad He is a shepherd, because I am a sheep. As hard as I've tried to have peace, it's just not possible without Him. I mean, maybe for a little while, but true peace comes from the surety of heaven. I know I've been in some scary, and dark, and even dangerous places in my life; many of which I've tried to navigate on my own. I can't hold a candle to a wolf, but He can. See my last post, I AM THE GOOD SHEPHERD, on John 10:11-42 https://www.jenarainonesmith.com/post/i-am-the-good-shepherd Lazarus, a good friend of Jesus, was ill. So His sisters Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus, "Lord the one you love is sick." (see John 11:1-3) When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days, and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” John 11:4-7 NIV John said that Jesus loved them so He waited. I've read this dozens of times, but this time, the word so jumped off the page. I never saw it before. Oh how one little word can change everything. Jesus deliberately waited. Let me tell you, for a girl who suffers with chronic insomnia, and who has prayed hundreds of times to fall asleep, this little word breathes new life into me and I hope it does you as well. Jesus is never aloof, so why did He wait? Let's take a closer look. [Jesus said to His disciples] “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.” His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep. So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” John 11:11-15 NIV Jesus waited for the sake of the disciples, but He also waited for Lazarus' sake, his sisters, and for you, and me. He had a much bigger plan! Lazarus was dead. Martha and Mary were devastated. The disciples were confused. And yet Jesus was about to make it all make sense. On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. John 11:17 NIV When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” John 11:21-22 NIV Martha, no doubt was confused, disappointed, maybe even a little bitter. I can relate. After all, Jesus had helped so many, why not her brother? I've asked myself that question many times, why not me? Can you imagine how she felt? I can. Even so, she chose to trust the heart of God. I don't always do that well. At least not right away. Sometimes it's much easier to ignore the pain than it is to trust God with it. Faith is a journey, it doesn't happen all at once. How we see Jesus changes how we see everything. He carries our struggles with Him as He takes each of us on a journey to grow our faith. He displays this so beautifully in His relationship with Martha and Mary. Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.” Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:23-26 NIV Jesus knew that Martha needed a reminder of who He was and what she believed. But Martha wasn't the only one suffering, Mary was suffering too. She fell at His feet weeping, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." (vs 32). Mary needed compassion; Jesus wept with her. (vs 33-35) Both Martha and Mary were honest with Jesus about how they felt. They trusted Him even though they didn't understand. He met them in their greatest need. One of the most difficult things for us to grasp is that nothing happens without first passing through the hand of God. Interestingly enough, it's also one of the most freeing. Bad things happen, they do, sometimes really bad things. Pain and suffering will be part of this life. Thank God He never leaves us. His word tells us that He's always had an ultimate plan; He wastes nothing; and He equips His beloved with everything she needs. I used to think (and the inclination is still there) that I had some control over my circumstances. Suffice it to say many suffer from this delusion. It's actually center stage right now as we watch much of the world trying to achieve godhood. However, the longer I live, the harder it is for me to imagine how anyone can make it through life without the Hope of glory. Nevertheless, there is a degree of hopelessness when a person comes to the realization that there is no way to know, at any given moment, what will happen next. The one sure thing is that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God. And that's true whether you believe it or not. And if you do, then whatever you’re walking through is achieving for you an eternal glory that far outweighs it all? (2 Cor 4:17) Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. “Take away the stone,” he said. “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.” (John 11:38-42 NIV) And there it is—the reason Jesus waited—the bigger picture. Lazarus had to die in order to be raised. God allowed Lazarus' sickness in order to demonstrate His power through Jesus; that they may believe! When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out . . . .” (John 11:43-44 NIV) Jesus fought death at Lazarus' tomb, and plundered the grave. Jesus told death that he would soon conquer it completely ~David Guzik Simply breathtaking. Jesus conquered death. Now I see dimly, but then face to face (1 Cor 13:12). No matter what happens here, if you are in Christ, paradise awaits. So with that being said, we have to wonder if Lazarus struggled with coming back? I think he may have. Or just maybe he thought it was pretty cool to be used by Jesus for such wonder. Jesus says, "I am the resurrection and the life. Believe in me and you will live, even though you die. And if you live by believing in me, you will never die." Do you believe this? If you do, it changes everything.

Your mind will be clear, free from fear; when you lie down to rest, you will be refreshed by sweet sleep (Proverbs 3:24) I am approaching year six of this journey called insomnia. I can honestly say that I’ve read this verse with joy in my heart; but man, there are those times it just defeats me. Having to take a pill every night to sleep haunts me, especially on those nights it fails to render me unconscious. After “canceling my life” once again following many sleepless nights, I really try to tell myself that suffering produces endurance, which produces character, which produces confident hope (Romans 5:3-5). And if that doesn’t work for me on those really hard days, I go to James 1:2-4 and try to count it all joy when in trials—because joy will produce endurance and all kinds of other good things—Right? So, how does one endure with joy? Does enduring with joy mean skipping through life and trials with gladness? If so, then I have failed much over the past 6 years! I think, as a lover of Jesus, I can easily read a biblical directive and think I need to do that—how come I can’t just do that? It’s easy to forget that, chances are, the authors above didn’t just do that either. Faith is a gift given by God. And that faith has to be cultivated. I think of David. He suffered. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t BAM! Endurance with Joy! No, I remember he cried out in pain. He failed. He doubted. And he had unbelief. His journey was hard. Yes, some hardships were of his own making, but many were not. Let’s be real, being constantly hunted down by a mad man and living in cold dark caves in a joyful stance is a bit of a stretch, as much as not sleeping for 6 years. When I try to hold myself accountable to this blanket standard of believing that I must be joyful, it’s a pretense. And pretending I’m joyful will never help my heart reach the confident hope that Paul writes about. When I pressure myself to be joyful so that others around me will see Jesus, I’m inevitably not joyful. Instead, I condemn myself and believe that my faith has failed. I think we must be careful with what we think suffering should look like… in ourselves, as well as in others. The Bible has directives on how we are to walk through trials but each of us has our own personal journey. God is never surprised by our reactions.  He’s not shocked when we fail to instantly board the joy train. He’s aware it’s a process. Isn’t that part of the journey and very much a part of being refined? I want to encourage someone here. You most likely will not always be joyful in trials. As Christians we strive for that, but it won’t always happen. God knows that and His love remains the same. And it doesn’t mean that you love Him any less either. You’re not a bad Christian, nor have you failed Him or those around you who did not see Jesus in that moment. I have learned that endurance does grow and many times joy does come in the morning. And I know that Jesus never leaves me. But I also know that there are days that are so painful that I can barely breath. On those days, I have no strength for joy. No strength for pretense. No strength for self judgment and sometimes I don’t even have the strength to hold onto His Hand. But I am SO grateful that no matter my stance, He’s never let go of me. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I pray that you will never condemn yourself for feeling your pain. Many of us try to hide it, suppress it or cover it up—to the detriment of our walk with God and others. Feel your feelings. Work through them honestly with God. Let Him, not religion, lead you to the Joy of your heart. For the joy of the LORD is your strength.

“He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” John 7:38 Three months in, I found myself at the beach, sitting on the stairs of the lifeguard station. It was dinnertime, the four of them, a guitar, and me. Sitting us down, Jeff cued Austin to play the guitar while he sings “Marry me” (with a Jesus twist). As Carina opens the ring box, Sean takes a picture. We’re engaged and off to celebrate. Seven years ago, God gave me an already established family to love. And for a girl who lived most of her life her way, on her terms, it’s been a journey. I have learned a lot about life, about marriage, about myself and especially about God. Suddenly, we were five. God formed a family consisting of a husband and wife from completely different cultures, who had previous lives filled with ups and downs, difficulty and pain. Three children who survived a broken family. And like most kids, desperately trying to figure out who they were. Each in a different phase of life. An elementary, middle and high schooler. Each with different personalities and experiences. Trying to live between two homes of which had very little, if any, communication at all. Our commonality—Jesus.  But as for most of us, our journey to Grace is usually a bumpy one. We travel from the valley to the mountaintop only to find ourselves back in the valley again. I’ve spent much time in the valley because I’m a person who holds tightly to control and comfort. But I remember it was in the valley where I first met Jesus. And it is in the “valleys” of life that we become intimate with Him and learn how to love as He does. There is a fairy-tale living inside each of us that is put there by God, as His love and rescue of us is beautiful. But at the risk of sounding like a kill joy, the Devil and the world has hijacked the fairy-tale and their version is completely destructive to relationship and erodes true love.  Love does not live in fairy-tales. Remember, love sent Jesus to the cross. Oswald Chambers once wrote, “The fiery furnaces are there by God’s direct permission. It is misleading to imagine that we are developed in spite of our circumstances; we are developed because of them. It is mastery in circumstances that is needed, not mastery over them.” Love lives in trials and struggles, in differences and difficulties, in sickness and in health. It comes alive in pain and forgiveness. We mistakenly think we want a fairy-tale kind of love and so we set out to find it. When Paul penned 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, he was not challenging us to find that kind of love. I believe he was challenging us to become that kind of love. And that, as you probably realize, is not an easy task and, to me, impossible without Jesus. “4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 8 Love never fails." We are born into a broken world and are naturally selfish. Think about it, we don’t have to learn to say no or mine!  But God uses the desire of love that He planted in our hearts to draw us back to Him. He uses human relationships to teach us about love. Jeff and I started with the fairy-tale but God loved us enough not to leave us there. God uses the marriage relationship to rub out each other’s rough edges. And we have many! And our struggles are very different because that’s how God rolls. He gets the job done!! Here’s a big one for me. Through our relationship, I’m learning how to share. I know that sounds weird for a grown woman to say, but I’ve never really had to share. I chose to, but never had to.  However, it seems my struggle is not a surface struggle. As my protection mechanism, I struggle with sharing my space, my time, my earthly treasure, but God has revealed to me that it’s my heart I struggle with sharing. A fear of being deeply hurt. As a child, I developed and positioned this protection around myself that I believe would have naturally been broken through if I had had my own children. But God had other plans and if I believe He is a good Father (and I do) then I must believe that He knows what He’s doing. I fail much, but I must let Him shape and mold this lump of clay into His masterpiece, for my best and for His glory. Is it painful? Yep. Hard? Most days. Worth it? Absolutely! God loved us enough to take our fairy-tale and turn it into His. A fairy-tale that has “Rivers of Living Water” flowing through it. Rivers filled with His Grace and Mercy. What do you struggle with letting God do in you?

Eugene Peterson says in the Message translation of Paul's letter in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Watch what God does, and then you do it. Like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious, but extravagant. He didn’t love to get something from us, but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that.” Another translation says to “Imitate God, therefore in everything you do.” Paul said, Watch. Keep company and learn. Observe. Imitate. And then Love like that. Jesus said “Love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you” (Luke 6:27-28). Wait, What!? He goes on to explain in just a few verses later that it is easy to love those who love you. But what about when they don’t? It’s hard enough to think about loving a stranger like that, but to continue with the theme of my last couple of posts, let’s talk about applying this to someone in your life who is hard to love. It seems easier, right? I mean, you already love them. But I say it can be harder because the hurt runs deeper. And the deeper the hurt, the harder it is to love like Jesus. But God calls us to ‘Love like that’ anyway. I’m learning that to imitate God, I must first receive His love. I know that sounds strange but the love of God is so big it’s hard to grasp. The Bible says that God loves with an everlasting love. We don’t earn it, we receive it. I don’t think we can truly understand that kind of love. So how do we live like that so we can love like that? The love of God in you is the only true love that flows out of you. It’s been said that we must first go Inward, then Upward, then Outward. Meaning we must go inward to find the empty places inside that we look for someone or something other than God to fill, upward to allow Him to fill them, and it is only then can it flow outward to others. Let’s face it, we’re selfish. We want to be vindicated. We expect people to love like we love. It doesn’t come natural to love those who hurt you. Not humanly speaking anyway. But God allows and uses differences and challenges to teach us about love. This forces a choice. The choice goes all the way back to creation. God created man and gave him the opportunity to love Him (or not). To love people (or not). Why? Because as I’ve said in the past, I believe that “love, to be true, requires a choice.” To love is hard. The greatest act of love ever known is the Cross of Christ. Jesus chose to leave Heaven in the name of love.  Each time we choose to love, to forgive, to turn the other cheek, we learn a bit about God because we realize how difficult it is to love like that. As our opening verse says, “like children learning proper behavior from their parents,” we are learning to love from our Father. If we look vertically to Jesus for all we need, then we will be free to love horizontally without needing anything in return. If you’re struggling with the concept of loving or being loved, please read Ephesians chapters 1-3. You will see the love of God afresh. Personally, I need to do this over and over again because I need to be reminded over and over again.  God loves me with an everlasting love that, if I allow it, will flow forward to the people He brings into my life. The easy ones and especially the difficult ones.

Last time, I talked about forgiveness. “Forgiveness is an act of Love. Love covers shame.” The question is, how do we walk this out? When a person is hurt, usually their first instinct is to expose the shame of the offender. Forgiveness, at least up front, does not come naturally. What seems natural is consequence. After all, having no consequence isn’t fair. If you hurt, shouldn’t they hurt? Even just a little! Don’t we have rights? If someone hurts you, shouldn’t you respond in a way that makes you feel better?  Aren’t you a victim? Does God now give you the permission to sin in return? We are, despite our circumstances, responsible for our actions and reactions. “Against You, and You alone, have I sinned…” (Psalm 51:4) Let’s face it, our natural reaction to pain is defense. You’re hurt. Maybe even angry. You think “How could they do this to me?” Some things are hard to forgive. And the degree varies from person to person. God’s love runs deep. He is a good Father. AND, He allows pain in our lives. What?! This can’t be God, it must be the Devil! But even if it’s a scheme of the Devil, remember, God is omniscient. So, I believe, God’s intention in allowing pain is not to help you grow thick skin and learn to deal with it. Neither is it for you to figure out how to avenge yourself or to teach you a lesson. Do I dare say, it may be, to help you realize what you yourself are capable of? God is not surprised by your pain. He is not surprised by the person’s sin that caused your pain. He knew they would sin. He knew it would hurt you. He knew you’d react. But, what He needed was for you to know. Behold, O My people, I will open your graves…” (Ezekiel 37:12). Oswald Chambers writes, “When God wants to show you what human nature is like separated from Himself, He shows it to you in yourself. If the Spirit of God has ever given you a vision of what you are apart from the grace of God (and He will only do this when His spirit is at work in you), then you know that in reality there is no criminal half as bad as you yourself could be without His grace”. He goes on to say that, “My grave” has been opened by God and “I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells” (Romans 7:18). God’s Spirit continually reveals to His children what human nature is like apart from His grace.” There you have it. We are all capable (and have) sinned against God and hurt someone. At one time or another, you have been the offender and needed love to cover your shame.  If you paid attention, God was teaching you something about love and forgiveness.  When you can see yourself, it’s hard to stay in a stance of unforgiveness. This doesn’t mean that your hurt doesn’t matter or your anger is wrong. Feelings are feelings, but it’s what you do with those feelings that will show you if your response is you… or Jesus in you. I believe this is the lesson in the trial. And we may fail. But God says mercies are new every morning. We are on a journey. A journey to allow Jesus to love through us. True love insists on granting mercy. Love forgives and covers shame. Covering someone’s shame is to trust them to God and His consequences. Let Him do the work. Nothing you do can be bigger than what God Himself can do. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) Love covers shame.

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you” Psalm 32:8 What happens when the “best pathway” seems as if it’s anything but His best? One day you’re walking along, enjoying the beauty around you when suddenly the pathway begins to feel like mountain climbing. And the mountain starts to crumble leaving piles of rocks in your path. Let me explain— First of all, only a God, who truly knit me together, could know that I, a single independent woman who never wanted children, would find her sense of belonging in the chaos of a family of five. A couple of years ago, God blessed me with my husband and three children. My family. Shortly after we were married, Jeff told me that I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air. When he asked me what was wrong I told him that I heard God say that He was going to take everything away from me. Although I do remember a feeling of panic and a brief question of ‘You just gave me my family, would you really take them away so quickly’ sweeping across my mind, I woke up the next morning not remembering a thing. (I’m sure my mind blocked it thinking if I forget it, maybe it won’t happen). Well, if you know God, you know that by me blocking it didn’t change the fact that He was after something in me that I couldn’t learn any other way.  Although the flesh part of me would love to be able to learn through knowledge as the “world” learns, God knows our deepest understanding comes from Him. Though He thankfully did not take away the people I love, He did take, one by one, the things I depended on for many years. What I call my securities and comforts. Here is a brief synopsis of the last year of our lives— A little more than a year ago this new bonus mom of three began to suffer with insomnia, along with other recurring health issues. We have been to several doctors and I have tried many medications, none of which have helped. I have been tested, poked, analyzed, researched and given more advice than I could ever use in a lifetime. In addition to children living between two households, we have also (so far) survived rebellious teen issues.  I lost my job of 10 years due to the company closing, leaving me unemployed for the first time in my life. I get out of bed each morning without a place to go, which is foreign to me. Even simple comforts have been stripped away.  For example our new home has windows everywhere and the brightness is, well let’s just say, an adjustment! And did I mention that I’ve been known as the “ducks in a row chick?” And my ducks are hardly in a row!! I call this the season of my life ‘the season that God is stripping me of me.’ It has been, to say the least, a very difficult year. God has not yet delivered me from the physical pain, but at the risk of sounding cliche I am grateful to have this uninterrupted time with Him. Through this, I have become dependent solely and completely on the Lover of my soul. I believe learning to depend on Him is one of the reasons for THIS season of my life. We have traveled together through miles of rocky road, sudden hills and dips, and He has never let go of my hand. As hard as this past year has been, God has shown me that without this traveled road I would have never experienced the peace of Jesus so deeply. I learned that only on this road, in this valley, would He be able to give me this new found knowledge of who He is. He is after my whole heart and He longs to be my first love. Because of what I have gained here, I would not change this road for a road less traveled. Unfortunately, another thing I have learned in this valley is that pain is the way of refining. Now hear me, I am not by any stretch of the imagination a person who easily deals with physical pain, nor am I this spiritual wonder woman. I have asked on many occasions, even pleaded with Him to tell me when I will learn all there is to learn here so I can experience sleep again. But I am still here, in this valley, and here is where He is teaching me and loving me in ways I’ve not experienced before. For most people and I am one of them, avoiding pain is natural.  But I am here to tell you that refining eventually comes. Embrace it! I promise you that on the other side of the refining process God will show you things about Himself that will blow your mind. Trust that God knows what He is doing. Trust that He loves you more than you can imagine love is. Trust that He is taking you to a new level in your relationship with Him. Trust in Him and know that the Joy of the Lord is your strength.