JOY; IT CAN BE COMPLICATED

Your mind will be clear, free from fear; when you lie down to rest, you will be refreshed by sweet sleep (Proverbs 3:24)

I am approaching year six of this journey called insomnia. I can honestly say that I’ve read this verse with joy in my heart; but man, there are those times it just defeats me.

Having to take a pill every night to sleep haunts me, especially on those nights it fails to render me unconscious. After “canceling my life” once again following many sleepless nights, I really try to tell myself that suffering produces endurance, which produces character, which produces confident hope (Romans 5:3-5). And if that doesn’t work for me on those really hard days, I go to James 1:2-4 and try to count it all joy when in trials—because joy will produce endurance and all kinds of other good things—Right?

So, how does one endure with joy? Does enduring with joy mean skipping through life and trials with gladness? If so, then I have failed much over the past 6 years!

I think, as a lover of Jesus, I can easily read a biblical directive and think I need to do that—how come I can’t just do that? It’s easy to forget that, chances are, the authors above didn’t just do that either. Faith is a gift given by God. And that faith has to be cultivated.

I think of David. He suffered. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t BAM! Endurance with Joy! No, I remember he cried out in pain. He failed. He doubted. And he had unbelief. His journey was hard. Yes, some hardships were of his own making, but many were not. Let’s be real, being constantly hunted down by a mad man and living in cold dark caves in a joyful stance is a bit of a stretch, as much as not sleeping for 6 years.

When I try to hold myself accountable to this blanket standard of believing that I must be joyful, it’s a pretense. And pretending I’m joyful will never help my heart reach the confident hope that Paul writes about. When I pressure myself to be joyful so that others around me will see Jesus, I’m inevitably not joyful. Instead, I condemn myself and believe that my faith has failed.

I think we must be careful with what we think suffering should look like… in ourselves, as well as in others. The Bible has directives on how we are to walk through trials but each of us has our own personal journey. God is never surprised by our reactions.  He’s not shocked when we fail to instantly board the joy train. He’s aware it’s a process. Isn’t that part of the journey and very much a part of being refined?

I want to encourage someone here. You most likely will not always be joyful in trials. As Christians we strive for that, but it won’t always happen. God knows that and His love remains the same. And it doesn’t mean that you love Him any less either. You’re not a bad Christian, nor have you failed Him or those around you who did not see Jesus in that moment.

I have learned that endurance does grow and many times joy does come in the morning. And I know that Jesus never leaves me. But I also know that there are days that are so painful that I can barely breath. On those days, I have no strength for joy. No strength for pretense. No strength for self judgment and sometimes I don’t even have the strength to hold onto His Hand.

But I am SO grateful that no matter my stance, He’s never let go of me. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I pray that you will never condemn yourself for feeling your pain. Many of us try to hide it, suppress it or cover it up—to the detriment of our walk with God and others. Feel your feelings. Work through them honestly with God. Let Him, not religion, lead you to the Joy of your heart.

For the joy of the LORD is your strength.