MY LIFE BEFORE GOD

Before God, I was a seemingly selfish person. I was incapable of seeing the many blessings in my life. The great thing about God is that He waits patiently for us to see Him and then He opens our eyes to all that He has given us.

One of the blessings I saw was my nephews. I have two nephews who I love very much. But I was always too selfish to see how much they loved me back. How much they wanted me to be more a part of their lives. Before God I spent very little time with them. I was so busy filling my days with nonsense that I could not seem to fit them in, never realizing that in the meantime they were growing up.

The next blessing I saw was life itself. You see, I am a cancer survivor. Before God, I was so afraid of dying. Dying was the end in my mind, filled with darkness, loneliness, and hopelessness. Actually what I just described was my life.

When they found the cancer I cried, but the “cancer” part never really sunk in. I went through the motions of the physical part, the surgeries, the pain, the healing. But I never identified that I actually had cancer until several months later when they told me that I needed to have scans on my lungs. Lungs I said, why lungs? The nurse said because the kind of cancer I had could metastasize in my lungs. That is when I realized I had had “cancer”. I was so afraid. I went into a depression. Then shortly after, my cat (my child of 18 years) developed cancer in her eye. She had surgery, bounced back like a kitten again, but then died 3 months later when the cancer metastasized throughout her body. She truly was my child and I had no idea how to live without her. Not to mention, I saw my own mortality through her cancer and her death. I went even deeper into a depression. In my mind, even though I had an amazing family, I was more alone than I ever had been before.

I spent my whole life living for tomorrow and never, ever saw today. I was so lost in tomorrow, that during the 18 years of my cat’s life I was so stressed about losing her that I forgot to enjoy every minute that God gave me with her.

I never enjoyed today. Not in my relationships, not on vacations, not my health. I was so busy chasing tomorrow. Then suddenly tomorrow had “cancer” in it, possibly death. And I had lost my lifeline of 18 years to the same disease. I had no relationship with God. I wasn’t even sure he existed. As a matter of fact I was sure if he did exist, he surely didn’t like me at all.

So what did I do? I cried, A LOT. I felt sorry for myself. I lost tons of weight and did not leave my house for three months other than to go to work, and still continuing to develop toxic relationships. Until one day my sister dragged me to church. God spoke to my heart so passionately and grabbed a hold of me and He's never let go.

We are made in the image of God and we thirst for Him every minute of every day.

Jesus said, "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:14.

We are so stubborn and blind that we don’t see Him until life brings us to our knees, and even then, we sometimes miss Him. Thank goodness God never gives up on us. He loves us so much that even when we turn our backs on Him, He is always there waiting until we're ready to recognize that He is all we need.

If we are unfaithful,

he remains faithful,

for he cannot deny who he is. 2 Timothy 2:13

God's love for us runs deep; so deep that He gave up everything to secure it. We travel many roads in search of peace, looking for it in all the wrong places; thinking it can be found in another person, in power or prestige, or in the next shopping spree.

Not knowing God and being under the influence of the enemy, I didn't have a clue what it meant to have peace in Jesus. The devil convinced me that Jesus wasn't real; that if God even existed, He must not care about me or my life wouldn't be so difficult. Without knowing His word, how could I know His promises.

I am so grateful that sadness, cancer, and loss brought me to my knees; and that my sister paid attention to the nudge of God. She took me where I needed to be to find Him; where I found hope, peace, and life in Jesus.

Thank You God for loving me so much—Thank You for being patient—Thank You for forgiving me—Thank You for choosing me so I could choose You.

For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins. Colossians 1:13-14